I’m laying in bed, typing from my phone. Sean and Guinness are both snoring loudly.  The tv is on and Rachel Maddow is discussing Trump’s comments about abortion.  The only window in our room that opens is opened, just enough for the cool breeze to pass through the screen and onto my face.  I can hear the neighbor’s wind chimes; gentle bells.

The air smells clean, damp.  A little muggy.

I’m remembering how it felt a year ago.  

The hospice nurse had made me a bed on the lobby ottoman.  She also made a bed for my mother on the lobby couch, and a bed on an upright chair for my brother.  It was the first night in many, many years that it was just the three of us.  

We spent hours talking about our past lives.  My brother and I talked about our childhood, our successes and failures, our favorite memories.  We laughed, the three of us, and we cried.  

In the room down the hall was the shell of a man we once knew.  His body was quickly failing him.  I believe his soul left hours before his heart stopped.  The last thing he said to me was, “Hi sweet girl.”

I cry just thinking about it.  I can hear him in my mind.

The tv just turned off.  I’m typing and crying in a strange silence.

A year ago today, around 4:15am, my Grampy passed after a three year battle with male breast cancer.  

I remember the overnight nurse, shaking me slightly, out of the first sound sleep I had in 72 hours.  

“He’s gone.”

And just like that… everything changed.

It took our family about fifteen minutes to figure out what do to next.  And forty-five minutes after that the three of us, plus my grandmother, aunt, and uncle, gathered our belongings and exited through the front doors.  We left without Grampy.

The morning smelled like tonight does.  The parking lot was still until a bunny darted out from a small bush and took off across the pavement.  The moon and stars were just about to go to bed.  It was brisk and my sweatshirt wasn’t quite enough to keep me warm.

It didn’t matter.

I took to my car, opened the trunk, threw my duffle bag and backpack in, and closed the door.  I left alone.

The car ride home was the loneliest I’d ever felt in my life.  A year later and I still haven’t felt that alone.

The window was slightly cracked, enough for the cool air to keep me awake.  Traffic sounded strange through the thoughts scurrying around in my head.  I think I cried the whole way home.

The last time I saw Grampy alive… I left the room abruptly.

I held his hand as he slept.  His jaw hung agape as he was breathing through his mouth.  His breaths were so shallow I swore he’d pass any second.  His face was so gaunt, so white, so lifeless.  His once chubby cheeks were now nearly translucent.  His curly gray hair was puffy from the sponge bath he received earlier that day.

I spoke to him in my mind because every time I spoke out loud I wept.

And suddenly, I didn’t see him anymore.  I got scared, dropped his hand, and left the room sobbing.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

The rest of the evening I spent outside his door, chatting with my family, writing on my laptop.  And later that morning, around 1:00am, I fell asleep in the lobby with my Mum and brother.

I believe that Grampy passed when his whole family was sleeping.  Prior to that morning there was always one of us up… None of us slept at the same time.  I truly believe that he wanted to go when he knew we wouldn’t be worrying about him; when we were in another place, drifting off, fearless.

This past year has been so hard.  The pain has grown… Each day forward is another day farther away from the last time we saw one another.  

It doesn’t get easier.  For every person that has said that – you’re full of shit.

The grief does not lessen, but it does take a different shape.

Without my distress I’d never have started writing again.  Writing this year has been cathartic and freeing.  I can feel my emotions so much stronger and so much more honestly.  I’ve learned I am an empath.  And now, through my experience, I can relate to others in a completely different and deeper way.  I’ve come to accept the intense, raw, open wounds on my heart.  They are mine.  They will never heal, but they will be lovingly tended to.

I miss him so much.

I feel him often.  I think about him every single day.  I reference him in conversation at least a few times a week.  

If he were alive today, he’d be appalled that Trump has come as far as he has.  He’d also be saying, “I told you so!” to all of us who laughed when he said that Bernie should be president.  

It doesn’t always feel right eating a hermit or watering plants.  It doesn’t always feel good to play a game of Scrabble or drink a cup of black tea with lemon.  It always feels so very, very empty at family gatherings and holidays. 

I miss our bond, our sarcasm, our playful, fresh banter.  I miss his hugs and kissing his cheeks.  I miss how gross he’d smell after gardening all day in long-sleeved shirts and heavy khaki pants.  I miss getting yelled at for interrupting him.  I miss how he knew everything about everything and he made sure we all knew it.  I’m not sure I can deal with a second summer sans vegetables and berries.  I miss seeing his little Hyundai Elentra in his driveway, his stupid $1.00 spectacles, the pens tucked away in his breast pocket.  I miss the silly puns and jokes, his rhymes, his laughter.  I miss how excited he’d get when he knew there was vanilla ice cream for dessert.  

My whole body hurts.

Sean and Guinness are quieter now.  The wind has lessened.  The chimes have ceased singing their song.  It feels like I should close my eyes and sleep.

Maybe, maybe, we will meet again someday.

You know those women who juggle a million and one tasks and make it look like a piece of cake? Robin Dewey, owner of Robin's Egg an antique store in Milford, NH, is one of them. A single mom, grandmother and successful business owner, Robin does it all .

Cathy and I recently met Robin while shooting at her beautiful shop. Robin is one of those people who you like instantly and feel like you've known your whole life. There's a warmth and sincerity about her that draws you in --you want to be her friend. After hearing her story, struggles and all, I knew that I wanted to feature her on The Midlife Fashionista. 

Meet Robin.

Susan:  Tell me a bit about yourself and your life.
Robin:  I have 6 children from 17 to 40 years old - 4 girls, 2 boys and 9 grandchildren who are all my pride and joy. I've owned a restaurant, a children’s consignment store, a tea room, and Robin's Egg for the past eight years.

S: Did you always love antiques?
R: Actually no! When my younger sister furnished her apartment with antiques, I remember thinking, “not my cup of tea!” Now, I have truly grown to love and appreciate them.

S: Tell us about Robin’s Egg!
R:  When I first moved to this area, I had hit financial rock bottom. I was cleaning houses to support myself. A friend suggested that I rent a spot at Milford Antiques (now Robin's Egg) to sell items that I had handcrafted. I did this for six months and then the shop owner decided to close.  Without even thinking it through, I knew that I wanted to take over the store. My head was spinning with ideas--I was so excited! My vision was to have something for everyone and a place where customers could enjoy their experience and take a walk down memory lane.  Unfortunately, when the the owner moved out, many dealers also left which made things very difficult for me. But I am not a quitter so I persevered. I slowly brought in dealers and I am proud to say that I now have 40 of them, with quite a substantial wait list! I've come a long way in 8 years and feel very fortunate to have had people in my life who believed in me.

S: What does your business say about you as a woman?
R: I really enjoy the friendships that I have made along the way. I learn something from everyone in my life. I am a “people person” so interacting with my dealers and customers is my favorite thing about owning Robin’s Egg. Everyone has a story of their own that touches my heart.

S:  What struggles have you encountered along the way?
R:  I've had many great struggles in my life. I like to think that I am a survivor, since I have hung in though it all and I am still here! After only owning Robin’s Egg for a very short time, the economy took a nose dive and I found myself in some very serious financial trouble. I've had 3 surgeries in the past 5 years, 2 being total hip replacements. Recovering from surgeries as a single mom can be rough. I am grateful to have wonderful people in my life who have emotionally supported me through these challenges.

S:  You have a son with special needs….how do you balance being a single parent and owning a business?
R:  It can be extremely difficult at times, but also so rewarding. My son Kolby has Down’s Syndrome, Autism and he is non-verbal, so communication can be challenging. However, he is so loving and such a joy to be around. He is a true inspiration to me. I also find that people are just drawn to him! My struggle is trying to balance my life. I do not get much time to myself, between running my business and spending time with Kolby. Finding "me time" is definitely a challenge.

S:  What words of wisdom do you have for other women in similar situations?
R:  Surround yourself with positive people who believe in you. I have been so lucky to have had people in my life who supported and encouraged me--especially when I doubted myself. Also, be sure to dream big. If you don’t dream and try to stretch yourself as a person, you'll miss out on so many of life’s amazing opportunities.

S:  What advice do you have for women looking to start their own businesses?
R:  Make a plan before you start. That is one thing that I did not do and it got me into trouble, delaying the success of my business.

S:  What has been your biggest accomplishment?  Struggle?
R:  Ever since I was a child, I have wanted to be a mother. I believe that my 6 children are my greatest accomplishment. As far as struggles, I've had a number of them. Life has not been easy for me. Through this journey I have had the challenge of making tough choices while trying to balance what was right for my family and my own well-being.  I wanted to be everything to everyone-- a good mother, spouse, friend, and business owner. Unfortunately, I could not always be all things to all people and I still struggle with the guilt of that to this day. But I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I think. I have been told that I bloom wherever I am planted. Whatever life hands me, I try to make the best of the situation--no matter how difficult it is.

S:  What makes Robin’s Egg different from other antique shops?
(personally I think it’s YOU :)
R: I think that it's the people. I am so lucky to have over 40 dealers who are extremely talented, creative, and dedicated to the shop. Without them, Robin’s Egg would not be as successful as it is today. We are constantly making changes to keep things fresh and interesting. I strongly believe that change is the key to success. I feel so proud that Robin’s Egg is such a haven to both my customers, as well as my dealers. Robin’s Egg has filled my soul with joy and contentment, more than words can express.

S:  What’s important to you in life?
R:  I want to make sure that when someone walks out of my shop, they are happier than when they entered. Money does not motivate me. I am inspired by people. I have customers who have been diagnosed with cancer,  suffered the loss of a loved one, or are just plain feeling down.  They visit the shop because it makes them feel better...it's up-lifting. This motivates me. I just love to hear people’s stories--we are all dealing with something.

S:  What challenges do you see facing women in business?
R:  Women have many choices and sometimes they can be overwhelming. It is impossible to be everything to everyone. I think that women try to wear too many hats and then feel guilty when we cannot do it all. I am still learning that you simply can’t please everyone--I struggle with this.

S: What’s in store for the future?
R: I want to continue to grow the shop. Right now I am really happy with the dealers that I have, so I am encouraging them to take on larger spaces in the shop rather than me taking on more dealers. So far, this philosophy seems to be working out well. I am looking forward to continuing to change the shop so that it continues to grow. Change can be scary for some people, but to me change is the key to success.

S: What mantra do you live your life by?
R: Dream big! Your dreams may not always come true, but what you accomplish and learn about yourself along the way is your true reward. It is all about the journey for me, not the destination.

Hope you'll enjoy a few style photos from my "trip down memory lane"at Robin's Egg.

Why is it that us women have such a hard time accepting compliments? I mean isn't it wonderful to hear nice things about ourselves? Shouldn't we soak it all in and bask in the glory?